Dear Susan,


Happy new year. Tried to ring you last night but I have a new mobile phone and haven't done the advanced driving course for it. Consequently I kept getting a computerised voice saying "You're an idiot" every time I tried to communicate with the bloody thing.What is it with technology? As far as I'm concerned, with all things in life, SIZE DOES MATTER. I used to have trouble seeing the numbers on my phone, now I have trouble seeing the phone; especially when it is in the bottom of my handbag. I reached in to grab it the other day and pulled out a moss covered Tic Tac; same size different function.


When I have my phone on the seat of my car it tells me where I am. I have trouble with an appliance that knows where I am before I do. I don't know "when" I am though, because I haven't learned to set the internal clock which can tell me the time in Lithuania; very convenient. Don't know how to set the alarm either so I will still be late for everything.


It has other functions, like a phone book which stores 1000 phone numbers. I don't have that many friends. In fact I can actually remember the phone numbers of people who are important to me. So I don't use that function button either.


It has a designer screen saver. I have designed a screen saver which has four smiley faces on it . Then when I turn it on and see the smiles, I forget how much I hate the appliance.


The messages button allows me to write messages, send messages, create picture messages(no artistic talent required) design templates (WHAT?), add smileys to messages or get information. It also has a service command editor. Yesterday I commanded it to reconcile my cheque book and it said "You're an idiot"


It also has a 'chat' button which I consider redundant since that's what I like to do on the phone; and I've found if I listen for a dial tone, punch in the numbers and talk when the person answers, it usually works for me.


The call register tells me which calls I've missed, which calls I've received(d'uh) which numbers I've dialled, how long each call lasted and how much it cost; a little more information than I need.


The ringing tones can be set to play the William Tell Overture, I Just Called To Say I Love You or just brriinng brriinng. I opted for the last one; I like my phone to sound like a phone, not the sound track from Moulin Rouge. It also has a vibrating alert which is off putting when you carry it in your pants pocket.


I can divert my calls to somewhere else apparently, but why would I send my phone calls to somewhere I'm not?


Then there's the game function. I don't know anyone who is so bereft of amusement that they have to resort to playing a game on their own with a phone; although it could be interesting if it incorporated the vibrating function.


I can work out my disposable income if I turn on the calculator button; but I can also do that by checking the loose change in my purse.


It even has a reminder button that will remind you to do things like change the sheets on a particular day, but I've already marked June on my calendar for that.


The profile button I have't worked out yet. I think you can punch in a profile of say, Angelina Jolie and take it along to your plastic surgeon who will try to match it as closely as possible.


All in all it's a versatile little machine but I'd just like to CALL someone on it. I'll have to read the destruction manual again and try to get back to you. In the mean time I might go back to old fashioned snail mail.


Love to Adrian


Love Janet


0876 456 398