Dear Susan,

It's been thirteen years since Ivan left and it just struck me the other day, maybe he's not coming back.I mean thirteen years is a long time. Maybe he's found someone else.

Knowing me as you do , you'll understand that this revelation came as a bit of a shock. His razor is still in the bathroom along with the stubble in the sink. I have a freezer full of his favourite dinners, just in case. There are a few bottles of red maturing in the cellar, and I've taped every episode of Top Gear in case he's missed a couple in the intervening years. I turn his side of the bed down every night and put a chocolate on his pillow. Then I eat it.

OK. I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that I am a single mum with three daughters aged 39, 37 and 34. I have nine grandchildren and I'm fast approaching 52. Yes I admit I have let myself go a little; alright a lot. But I maintain good social habits. I don't eat with my fingers, and I hardly ever expel wind even when I'm home alone. And you know some people who live alone for lengthy periods of time, occasionally let these social graces slip.

Back to the matter at hand. I'm just going to assume that Ivan has found a new life and I must too.. Like I've hardly done anything in the last thirteen years except sit around and wait for his knock at the door.

Of course there was that road trip to Tin Can Bay about eight months after he left. I mean that was a bit out there. Driving 1000 kilometres from and to Sydney by myself , hoping to pick up a hitch hiker here and there. Staying in one star motel rooms; strange moaning sounds and things that go bump in the night (and day for that matter). Lots of comings and goings. Busty blondes who checked out any time they liked but who could never leave. They had lots of visitors. No one ever visited me.

It was liberating in an " I've got no one to travel with" sort of way. It was about then that I discovered that men who dine/walk/sleep alone on the highway of life are successful business men on trips visiting one star motel rooms. Women who do the same are "Oh you poor things". Strange couples ask you to join them for dinner. Yeah right. Single women treat you like a leper because you are "competion" . Competition moi? Yeah well that was thirteen years ago and I was a little less "let go".

Oh. And that was the trip where Alec told me I had the arse of a twenty six year old. Ah Alec. Yes, well he was a guy I met in a resort on the way home from my road trip. He wasted three words on me when he could have had me at "Hey you". When I think about Alec with his gold chains and pin striped suit and secret mobile phone calls he may have been a real life Underbelly character. Either that or he was very glad to see me. Not prepared to be a gangster's moll I patted him gently on his balding head and said "Sorry I've got a headache".

Anyway gotta go now because Judge Judy is about to start. Don't you just love her?

Now that I've had this realisation about Ivan, I'm going to do something about my empty shallow existence. I'll let you know what as soon as I work it out.

Hope all is well with you and Adrian. Aren't you going to America this month? Well at least you have a husband.

Love
Janet