Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Dear Susan,

Long time no blog. Been busy, book signings, public appearances, public speaking, oh and I went for my annual mammogram today. More action than my boobs have seen for years. It was good for me but I think the mammographer thought it was as boring as bat shit. Strange job eh? Squashing women's boobs into a two centimetre space, squeezing tight and saying things like "just put your arm here, now drop your shoulder put your chin up and say sexy undies" Is she a wannabe Playboy photographer? At least she had a G.S.O.H. As I was leaving she sang "Thanks for the Mammaries." In all the years I've been having these intimate moments not one of them has called or sent flowers afterwards.

At least my "pap" is normal. I had that test about a month ago and that experience verged on orgasmic. Well it has been a while; some of us have to get it where we can. No really it is not the most dignified of procedures is it? But the guys complain about a prostate probe (or if you are over 65 a "postRate" probe). Like for goodness sake, Childbirth. Helllooo. Periods Erky Perky. Menopause. Don't know yet. What in heaven's name possesses a person to become a gynaecologist or a proctologist or a dentist for that matter. Oh that's right the Porsche.

Anyway your renovations seem to be coming along quite well. Did you fix the broken pipe under the pool? Is the crack very big? Shame the roof had to be completely replaced. I thought you might be able to cover the hole with a sky light. Did they find much dangerous wiring in the ceiling? At least you should be installed by Christmas. Is it still at your place?

My open house visits are going well apparently.I piss off when it's open to avoid people's 'aaahhing' about my housekeeping prowess. I must admit it takes its toll; vacuuming weekly instead of weakly; I haven't cooked for two weeks in case I splash the splashback. As for showering, let's just say the recess is cleaner than I am. Although the showers at the surf club aren't too bad if you wear your thongs and take some Mould Blam.

The estate agent leaves me a message after every visit. It says "Four groups today. Very interesting" What tha??? I then take the crystal glass bowl of granny smith apples off the dining room table and put them in the fridge until the next open house. I was using oranges for a while but Eloise's kids came over and wanted to eat them. I tried to tell them the oranges were for decoration but they just laughed. I only sleep on top of the bed and usually straighten it out fairly quickly. Must admit I was a bit worried when the agent advertised the unit open between 9.30 an 10am, but so far no one has walked in on me asleep and snoring. Oh except for Bronwyn that weekend that Rosie's kids were sleeping over. She crawled into bed beside me at about 11.30pm. I had my mouth taped closed to stop the snoring and my eye mask which reads "Only Wake Me For Sex" (I live in hope).Just as well my grandchildren have a sense of humour. They saw the irony in it immediately.

Well gotta go. Josie and Tallulah are coming next week, so I'm making their beds up in the garage so that the spare bedroom doesn't need cleaning again.

Give my love to Adrian

Love Janet xx