Thursday, July 7, 2011

Dear Susan,

You know how I've been trying my luck with cyber space dating, well I thought the respondents would at least be from the same planet; but no, cyber space really means cyber space.I've had a couple of 'rendezvouses' recently which I have to tell you about, before I start believing they were figments of my imagination.The first one "Adieu Allen"'s profile read like a dream; from the right side of the tracks/ bridge, sixty eight years old, handyman, could read and write , owned a car and was a retired accountant.
After several emails and a couple of phone calls we decided to meet in a public place in broad daylight, surrounded by escape routes in case he didn't fancy me. We were to meet in a charming little cafe in Oldsville on his side of the tracks/bridge.
You know how nervous I get when I meet new people; feel self conscious can't think of anything to say; well I tried to do everything right. I dressed nicely, wore deodorant,and made sure I didn't have any spinach stuck in my teeth.
There I was, sitting al fresco at the assigned cafe, sunglasses hiding my crows feet, looking tres sophisticated when I saw this vision stumbling towards me. He seemed familiar. I realised it was "Adieu Allen" only twenty years older looking than his profile .Apparently some people are not entirely truthful on these dating sites
He was tall, dressed neatly in unironed jeans, a flanno shirt, denim jacket and one red and one black sock. The first words I said to this would- be- man- of- my- dreams were,
"Do you know you are wearing odd socks?"
"Oh gosh I hoped you wouldn't notice"
"Well I probably wouldn't have but your jeans are half way up your legs"
"Yeah well my brother's much shorter than I am"

We made small talk for a while
"I used to be a teacher"
"I'm a bankrupt accountant"
"I live in a unit in the shire"
"I house sit for people and when there's nothing available, I live in my car or at the YHAs"
"I have three daughters and nine grandchildren"
"I usually only house sit for people who have dogs; love dogs"
"I'm looking for someone to go to the theatre with, share a meal with, perhaps travel overseas with."
"I'm looking for a slim attractive lady in her late forties, who has a surplus $10,000 per annum to subsidise my pension. Oh and if she had a dog and owned her own house that would be perfect. Shall we order?"

I had the smoked salmon ravioli and a glass of white wine. He had the steak, egg and a cola beverage . The thing was that I could just not take my eyes from his face..... mainly because he had three eyebrow hairs that grew from his brow to his cheek bone. I kept wanting to ask if he had trouble seeing through the fringe or if the hairs were a driving hazard. But I couldn't ask because I was also beguiled by the foliage bursting forth from his ears and nostrils. I'm not saying it was excessive, but if he had lit a cigarette he was in danger of starting a small scrub fire.
As a lunch companion he was on a par with my grandchildren, in that he dribbled, couldn't use a knife and fork properly and talked with his mouth full. He admitted at about that stage that he was actually in his early eighties but that as we were getting along so well I wouldn't mind if he had lied a little bit.
He told me I had a lovely mouth; I told him he had a lovely tooth.It went on like this for about an hour.
I was on the verge of grabbing his fork and severing his three rogue eyebrows when the bill arrived. He took out his accountant's calculator and informed me that my share was $27.25. I gave him $28 and told him to keep the change.

He walked me back to my car and promised he'd keep in touch. I rang my mobile and broadband accounts and tried to cancel them. Unfortunately I wasn't fast enough. When I got home there was an email waiting for me.

Dear Janet, thanx 4 a gr8 arvo. i dont think u've got enuf money to help me out in my situwation,but as we got along so good I thort that until the rite woman comes along 4 me, we mite just get together for casual.....

I pressed the delete button.

Love Janet