Dear Susan,

Well the Covid-19 virus is still rampant-ing wildly across the world, which by the way we've just discovered doesn't really have borders
 The big issue of this week is the shortage of flour. I can't fathom it. I bought flour once and it grew moths before it grew anything baked.

I asked Auntie Jan about the flour thing and she said:
'Well you need it to make cakes!' .. Hello!!! Cake Mixes!!!
'Well, you need it to make pancakes!... Hello, Shaker packs? Just add water!!
'Well,, you need it to coat fish before frying it' ...Hello...Fish n Chip Shops!!!
 Make pasta?  Hello, 50 different pasta shapes already packed in the supermarket.
To make bread? Hello, people get up at 3am to bake it. I don't want to put them out of a job.
I don't look for flour any more. I figure if I've lived without it for 73 years I don't knead' it now.
See what I did there?

In other news, David Beckham's son Brooklyn has moved in with his girlfriend.
I think I saw a plane fly overhead the other day, although it could have been a UFO
The King of Thailand has booked out an entire Alpine Hotel for the quarantine period. He is isolating with 20 concubines 4 wives and 600 staff. Don't know if the kids are with him.
Doctors are pleading with hospital visitors not to steal face masks hand sanitiser or toilet paper from their loved one's rooms unless of course... they are no longer.
I cleaned out my fridge because I am buying two weeks supply of food at a time and I thought I could have found the cure for Covid -19 in the crisper, but it was just a squishy hairy zucchini.


There are new rules for gatherings as well.
I write them on whiteboards because they change every day.
For example, you are only allowed to have 5 people at a wedding, which could really piss off one set of parents. I'm ok with mine. So far I only have four people and I'm just missing a groom.

You are permitted to have 10 people at a funeral not including the deceased. This could be a problem if I cark it.
3 daughters, 9 grandchildren 1 brother, 2 sons-in-law,  1 wasband and maybe 1 friend. =17
Can you imagine the arguments:
"So you should go. You're the oldest"
"I saw her last week so I'm good"
" I'm not really a blood relative. You should go"
" God we've been divorced for 25 years. Why the hell should I go?"
" Well, I didn't really know her that well. You can have my spot"
"Oh, mum do I have to go? Ozzie and I have a conference call about an important school assignment this afternoon"
It will probably be just me, the box and the cremator. just realised the only difference between the creator and the cremator is an 'm'

Most people here are living in leisurewear (pyjamas) or activewear. You can guess my preference. I can only wear pyjamas because after 2 weeks in isolation nothing else fits me. I've never been a comfort eater before but now I'm eating so comfortably I can't move.
That's the thing about being locked up; my facial hair is forming dreadlocks. My toenails are longer than my toes. Slob is too elegant a word to describe my appearance right now. but I DON'T CARE. Well, actually I do care sometimes. Like, occasionally I put on makeup to go to the shower.
Some people are dressing up in ball gowns just to take the garbage out. I tell you, it's NUTS down here

Because all the restaurants and cafes are in lockdown, people have had to cook for themselves, except me. Eloise threw two lasagnes at me on a drive by the other day, Josie made me two servings of pumpkin soup on Sunday and brother Ben brought me some leftover green chicken curry yesterday. The chicken wasn't green thank goodness, in fact, it was delicious Any way  I have so much food here I'm thinking of opening my own dinner delivery service
 .

It's not fun being on your own 24/7 I do try to get out for a walk every couple of months but even then I have to walk 1.5 metres apart from the person I might be walking with. which makes conversation difficult because we are all deaf.

I was beginning to feel very alone. Then in my spam box there appeared an advertisement for a singles dating site, very reputable, very discrete, very safe and specifically for the elderly, vulnerable demographic. Yes I know I haven't had much luck with these experiments before (see earlier letters) but this would be different. I would seduce some old guy online, keep the relationship going with lies being issued from both sides. We would never be able to meet because of social distancing. It would be a sort of remote Fantasy Affair that turns out virtually happily ever after. There it is  " Love in the Time of Corona" My next book!!!

Now the Muse has hit I must put quill to parchment and get on with it. Apparently, great works of art have been produced in times of pandemics. This could be my time to shine.

Give everyone up there a hug for me, please. Hugs are a luxury here at the moment.

Miss you so much

Love Janet
xxxxx