Dear Susan
When one gets to a certain age which you didn't hang around long enough to do, the Government sends one out a non-discrete package containing one's annual DIY Bowel Screening test.
Secreted inside the indiscrete parcel are two double ply sheets of tissue-ish paper and two plastic vials containing a toothpick like device which I immediately identified as "Pooh Sticks". There is also a 'destruction' manual and a replied paid padded envelope which when filled with required accoutrements would be delivered to a laboratory by Australia Post sometime in the unforeseeable future.
The thought of so much shit going through the mail cistern made me feel a bit squeamish until I remembered my last electricity bill. Different shit, same squeamish feeling.

So I read the destructions

1. Empty bladder
2. Place double-sided tissue-ish paper in toilet bowl.
3. Deposit stool sample on said tissue-ish paper.
4. Scrape "Pooh Sticks" through various areas of sample.
5. Insert stick into plastic vial and shake up and down three times.
6. Flush tissue-ish paper and excess excretion
7. Place vial in enclosed plastic bag and store in fridge (not freezer) until required
8. Repeat procedure when next bowel evacuation is indicated.
9. Place both specimens in pre-paid padded envelope provided and deposit in nearest Australia Postbox.

Well I got through stages 1 and 2 with no problems. However, the two plied tissue-ish paper was no match for my dump de jour and it sank slowly to the bottom of the toilet bowl rendering the entire mission impossible

In full knowledge that I only had one more chance and two samples to collect, I had to improvise. Two large paper plates, two pieces of paper towel and two carefully aimed turds did the trick. Twice. The paper plates were disposed of, the paper towel was flushed, and my hands were washed. Mission accomplished.

I filled in the required forms in triplicate put all the ingredients in the padded bag and walked to the post office feeling a bit sorry for the posties who had to deliver these bags of shit. I mean it's not as confronting as a hospital sluice room but postmen are not trained healthcare professionals. So instead of posting my package, I took it to the office of my local federal MP. I'd put up with his shit for such a long time, I figured he could deal with two rice grain size samples of mine.
Besides I thought it would cut out the middle man(Oz Post) and save the taxpayer the cost of a stamp.
By the way, remember I live in the seat of COOK. Do your own research.

Well, the results came back negative so I was very grateful for the service instigated by the then Minister for health Mr Rabbitt. Maybe that's where he went wrong. Ever since he introduced the shit-test -collecting policy he's been full of it.

I will now dislodge my tongue from my cheek and thank this initiative for all the lives it has saved. And urge everyone to take it seriously.

Next time I write I will tell you about the time my Dr wanted a mid-stream urine sample in a small plastic thimble.

Love Janet
xxx

Dear Susan,
What I did in the holidays. I made dinner for Eloise’s 5 kids. First mistake was asking them what they’d like to eat. SCHNITZELS. Yes I know, but I think I have a really easy way to do it. I’ve done it in bullet points so I can patent it later.
• Invite five grandchildren to dinner
• Ask them what they would like to Eat, Pray try to Love
• Stock up on your brand of anti-anxiety medication.
• Count up how many schnitzels you will need for five of them = 37.
• Visit the supermarket to buy chicken, eggs and stale bread (you will not have any stale bread at home because you threw it out yesterday.)
• Supermarket will have no stale bread because of OHS issues.
• Go dump diving for stale bread.
• Carry shopping home and put two of the broken eggs in a bowl after disposing of shells. Save other broken eggs for future use.
• Save empty egg carton in ‘useful box’ for next craft afternoon

Now we are ready to create schnitzels

• Put a plastic drop sheet on the kitchen floor
• Place chicken fillets which resemble breast implants between two sheets of cling wrap and pound the dickens out of the chickens with a wooden mallet.
• Remember you threw the wooden mallet out after you broke it the last time you made schnitzels.
• Make do with the heel of a ‘sensible’ shoe. NB: stilettoes do not work.
• Pour flour into a large tray … think sink.
• Beat eggs and pour into a suitable dipping plate.
• Push all the fallen out Tupperware back into the cupboard.
• Blitz the stale bread from the dump dive.
• Grate some parmesan into the breadcrumbs.
• Find the last band-aid in the bottom of your handbag.
• Now, one by one take a chicken piece and dip it in flour, beaten egg and breadcrumbs. Place on baking paper and wash hands.
• Repeat above procedure 37 times.
• At the 31st piece, pour more flour into large tray.
• At the 35th piece, the beaten egg runs out. Throw out the two un-crumbed chicken pieces
• Place all schnitzels in a storage box.
• Clean out fridge to make room for storage box.
• About three hours before serving start cooking the schnitzels one at a time. (When you live alone you only have an ‘alone’ frying pan)
• As children sit down at the table, place the Everest of schnitzels in the centre.
• Go to the kitchen to get a glass of wine.
• Go straight back to the dining room and try not to cry at the sight of the empty plate ( time elapsed 1.56 minutes)
• Do not remove drop sheet or wipe down benches.
• Ask them what they want for dessert; ice cream or ice cream.
• Get the ice cream and the 100s and 1000s out; you do not have to count them.
• Watch as they each inhale two litres of ice-cream and excuse themselves from the table.
• Take the garlic bread out of the oven.
• Go to bed until the next school holidays.

Love you
Janet