Dear Susan,
What I did in the holidays. I made dinner for Eloise’s 5 kids. First mistake was asking them what they’d like to eat. SCHNITZELS. Yes I know, but I think I have a really easy way to do it. I’ve done it in bullet points so I can patent it later.
• Invite five grandchildren to dinner
• Ask them what they would like to Eat, Pray try to Love
• Stock up on your brand of anti-anxiety medication.
• Count up how many schnitzels you will need for five of them = 37.
• Visit the supermarket to buy chicken, eggs and stale bread (you will not have any stale bread at home because you threw it out yesterday.)
• Supermarket will have no stale bread because of OHS issues.
• Go dump diving for stale bread.
• Carry shopping home and put two of the broken eggs in a bowl after disposing of shells. Save other broken eggs for future use.
• Save empty egg carton in ‘useful box’ for next craft afternoon

Now we are ready to create schnitzels

• Put a plastic drop sheet on the kitchen floor
• Place chicken fillets which resemble breast implants between two sheets of cling wrap and pound the dickens out of the chickens with a wooden mallet.
• Remember you threw the wooden mallet out after you broke it the last time you made schnitzels.
• Make do with the heel of a ‘sensible’ shoe. NB: stilettoes do not work.
• Pour flour into a large tray … think sink.
• Beat eggs and pour into a suitable dipping plate.
• Push all the fallen out Tupperware back into the cupboard.
• Blitz the stale bread from the dump dive.
• Grate some parmesan into the breadcrumbs.
• Find the last band-aid in the bottom of your handbag.
• Now, one by one take a chicken piece and dip it in flour, beaten egg and breadcrumbs. Place on baking paper and wash hands.
• Repeat above procedure 37 times.
• At the 31st piece, pour more flour into large tray.
• At the 35th piece, the beaten egg runs out. Throw out the two un-crumbed chicken pieces
• Place all schnitzels in a storage box.
• Clean out fridge to make room for storage box.
• About three hours before serving start cooking the schnitzels one at a time. (When you live alone you only have an ‘alone’ frying pan)
• As children sit down at the table, place the Everest of schnitzels in the centre.
• Go to the kitchen to get a glass of wine.
• Go straight back to the dining room and try not to cry at the sight of the empty plate ( time elapsed 1.56 minutes)
• Do not remove drop sheet or wipe down benches.
• Ask them what they want for dessert; ice cream or ice cream.
• Get the ice cream and the 100s and 1000s out; you do not have to count them.
• Watch as they each inhale two litres of ice-cream and excuse themselves from the table.
• Take the garlic bread out of the oven.
• Go to bed until the next school holidays.

Love you
Janet