Dear Susan
When one gets to a certain age which you didn't hang around long enough to do, the Government sends one out a non-discrete package containing one's annual DIY Bowel Screening test.
Secreted inside the indiscrete parcel are two double ply sheets of tissue-ish paper and two plastic vials containing a toothpick like device which I immediately identified as "Pooh Sticks". There is also a 'destruction' manual and a replied paid padded envelope which when filled with required accoutrements would be delivered to a laboratory by Australia Post sometime in the unforeseeable future.
The thought of so much shit going through the mail cistern made me feel a bit squeamish until I remembered my last electricity bill. Different shit, same squeamish feeling.

So I read the destructions

1. Empty bladder
2. Place double-sided tissue-ish paper in toilet bowl.
3. Deposit stool sample on said tissue-ish paper.
4. Scrape "Pooh Sticks" through various areas of sample.
5. Insert stick into plastic vial and shake up and down three times.
6. Flush tissue-ish paper and excess excretion
7. Place vial in enclosed plastic bag and store in fridge (not freezer) until required
8. Repeat procedure when next bowel evacuation is indicated.
9. Place both specimens in pre-paid padded envelope provided and deposit in nearest Australia Postbox.

Well I got through stages 1 and 2 with no problems. However, the two plied tissue-ish paper was no match for my dump de jour and it sank slowly to the bottom of the toilet bowl rendering the entire mission impossible

In full knowledge that I only had one more chance and two samples to collect, I had to improvise. Two large paper plates, two pieces of paper towel and two carefully aimed turds did the trick. Twice. The paper plates were disposed of, the paper towel was flushed, and my hands were washed. Mission accomplished.

I filled in the required forms in triplicate put all the ingredients in the padded bag and walked to the post office feeling a bit sorry for the posties who had to deliver these bags of shit. I mean it's not as confronting as a hospital sluice room but postmen are not trained healthcare professionals. So instead of posting my package, I took it to the office of my local federal MP. I'd put up with his shit for such a long time, I figured he could deal with two rice grain size samples of mine.
Besides I thought it would cut out the middle man(Oz Post) and save the taxpayer the cost of a stamp.
By the way, remember I live in the seat of COOK. Do your own research.

Well, the results came back negative so I was very grateful for the service instigated by the then Minister for health Mr Rabbitt. Maybe that's where he went wrong. Ever since he introduced the shit-test -collecting policy he's been full of it.

I will now dislodge my tongue from my cheek and thank this initiative for all the lives it has saved. And urge everyone to take it seriously.

Next time I write I will tell you about the time my Dr wanted a mid-stream urine sample in a small plastic thimble.

Love Janet
xxx